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BLOG SHEEP

SHEEP'S LOG: WEEK 4




by Black Sheep, 20th April 2020

Getting on for a month of lockdown now. And the corona playlist is growing...

DAY 22

The police are still out in force but Mrs Sheep insists the Mutt needs a walk. “A long one,” she says. I put my camouflage jacket on and take the hound to the woods. BUT I’m not the only one. It’s like Crufts in there.

Bozzer’s all over the papers today. "It is hard to find the words to express my debt to the NHS for saving my life,” he says. He’s back with Carrie, too, so that Cliff Richard song needs binning from the playlist. I’ve got a good replacement though…

  1. Every Day Is Like Sunday, by Morrissey
  2. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, by Elton John
  3. Don’t Stand So Close To Me, by The Police
  4. Don’t Fear The Reaper, by The Blue Oyster Cult
  5. I Want To Break Free, by Queen
  6. Zoom, by Fat Larry’s Band

 

DAY 23

Turns out zoom is a new verb. I zoom, you zoom, he, she or it zooms etc. It’s a video conference thing, too. But I’m not sure the Boss has got the full hang of it. “Do you think you ought to put some trousers on?” I suggest, as I log on for an editorial meeting.

Afterwards, the Mutt needs another walk, apparently. “Look at her,” says Mrs Sheep, pointing to her curled up in her bed. “She looks knackered,” I say. “Exactly. She’s unfit,” Mrs Sheep says, handing me the lead.

S’ppose it’s another one for the playlist…

  1. Every Day Is Like Sunday, by Morrissey
  2. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, by Elton John
  3. Don’t Stand So Close To Me, by The Police
  4. Don’t Fear The Reaper, by The Blue Oyster Cult
  5. I Want To Break Free, by Queen
  6. Zoom, by Fat Larry’s Band
  7. Walking The Dog, by The Rolling Stones

 

DAY 24

Two weeks without shaving now. Hair’s not getting any shorter, either, and I’m descending into full Forrest Gump territory. I resolve to grow a full-on beard. The disguise will help when I go running round the lake.

Street artist Banksy reveals his latest work - lots of rats painted all over his bathroom. "My wife hates it when I work from home,” he says. Poor bloke. Imagine that.

No such problems with Mrs Sheep, as she hands me a present. So sweet.

I unwrap it excitedly… It’s a 10,000-piece jigsaw. “It’s pretty big,” she smiles. “You’ll need to do it in the barn.”

 

DAY 25

Trump’s been having a dig at the WHO. “The who?” says Lone Wolf in a lunchtime chat. “Yes, the WHO,” I say. “I don’t know,” he says. “Don’t know what?” “Who?” “What?”

I take the Mutt for a walk. And get a new idea for the playlist…

  1. Every Day Is Like Sunday, by Morrissey
  2. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, by Elton John
  3. Don’t Stand So Close To Me, by The Police
  4. Don’t Fear The Reaper, by The Blue Oyster Cult
  5. I Want To Break Free, by Queen
  6. Zoom, by Fat Larry’s Band
  7. Walking The Dog, by The Rolling Stones
  8. Who Are You, by The Who

Serial garden rambler 99-year-old Captain Tom finishes his 100-lap charity effort and raises over £20m in the process. Apparently Bozzer’s looking at ways to recognise Tommo’s heroics. Promoting him to Major Tom would do it… Not that I'm thinking of the playlist still.

 

DAY 26

The police (not the band) are clearly bored. They’ve come up with a three-page document snappily titled ‘What Constitutes a Reasonable Excuse to Leave the Place Where You Live’.

Turns out nipping out to buy "luxury items and alcohol" is reasonable. So you're okay to get pissed. But hold off on that DIY, coz paint and brushes "simply to redecorate a kitchen" isn’t. Then again, purchasing tools and supplies to repair a fence "damaged in recent bad weather” is. (I’m not making this up.) So kick your fence in if you’re itching to get hammering.

On exercise, driving to the countryside for a walk is "reasonable" if "far more time" is spent walking than driving. But driving for a "prolonged period with only brief exercise" isn’t reasonable. Which is great news for us marathon runners.

The guidance urges police not to intervene if people stop to rest or eat lunch while on a long walk, but short walks to sit on a park bench are not allowed. "A very short period of 'exercise' to excuse a long period of inactivity may mean that the person is not engaged in 'exercise' but in fact something else," the guidance adds. Suggestively.

What percentage is crime down, again?

 

DAY 27

The rewilding continues. The buzzards are circling overhead in increasing numbers, ready to pounce on what remains of the complete Horlicks we’re making of things down on the ground.

Even the garden birds have twigged we’re in trouble. They’re completely ignoring my presence now when I sit outside with a beer at the garden table. It's just a few feet from the bird feeders, where they descend and bicker over peanuts. I mean to say, that’s never two metres. Don’t they read the news?

Best of all though, there are curlews. Yes, plural! Their haunting, bubbling cries drift over the Welsh countryside like it’s 1968. What an absolute privilege. “Look, this is what you’ve been missing while you’ve been messing up,” says Mother Nature. Or was it Richard Attenborough...?

 

DAY 28

The Boss has been on the phone. Says the Job Retention Scheme goes live tomorrow so I’m to go to work, set up eight computers and try and log in to the website on all of them. “It’s gonna be like trying to get tickets for Glastonbury,” he says. “With John Lennon coming back from the dead to headline.”

Talking of which, lonely musicians and celebs desperate to see the lens of a camera again get together on the telly later to warble their way through songs and tributes to frontline workers from the sanctity of their mansions. Living Room Live Aid they’re calling it. Well thanks guys. Though not you, Sam Smith. Stand By Me…? Really? That’s not social distancing.

The Stones knock the ball out of the park with a superb performance of You Cant Always Get What You Want. A tribute to Matt Hancock and his imaginary PPE me thinks. But strangely, given the who-knows-why meteoric rise to stardom for our refuse collectors during this crisis, no-one opts for a skiffle rendition of My Old Man’s A Dustman. So I’ll put that right immediately…

  1. Every Day Is Like Sunday, by Morrissey
  2. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, by Elton John
  3. Don’t Stand So Close To Me, by The Police
  4. Don’t Fear The Reaper, by The Blue Oyster Cult
  5. I Want To Break Free, by Queen
  6. Zoom, by Fat Larry’s Band
  7. Walking The Dog, by The Rolling Stones
  8. Who Are You, by The Who
  9. My Old Man’s A Dustman, by Lonnie Donegan
 

Click for Week 3 or Week 5

 

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