Five weeks is a long time in diary writing, as Black Sheep's head is turned by a business opportunity
I go for a run before heading into work. Well, I drive somewhere to go for a run. But as I get out of the car, a local Stasi comes up to me. “Where do you think you’re going?” he says. I flick a mane of hair out of my eyes, scratch my unkempt beard and adjust my Nike cap. “Stupid is as stupid does,” I say. And run.
After a few miles I get thinking. Where Do you Think You’re Going. Wasn’t that a song by Dire Straits?
April is shaping up to be the hottest ever on record. Meanwhile, a survey of the great British public reveals that most of us think the lockdown should not be lifted just yet. “D’ya think the two stories are related,” I say to Mrs Sheep. But as I look up she’s gone. I find her later in the hammock in the garden.
Bozzer’s been on the blower to Trump. Presumably to lift his spirits some more. It’s only a matter of time before he’s back in the hot seat. But in his absence the Commons has reopened for business, with Jacob Rees-Mogg noting that it did a similar thing of closing for a while during the Black Death. “Although even I’ve moved on from 1349,” he observes. Really?
These daily briefings from Number 10 are getting a bit much now. If it's not PPE or testing, it’s grim news from Professor Whitty. It really is a most unfortunate name for a man tasked with reading out death stats every day at 5pm.
Now B&Q has reopened. Cue lots of queues as it becomes the amusement park of choice for desperate Brits who’ve suddenly remembered that leak that needs fixing. Our nearest is Shrewsbury. Still, I can’t see ‘an emergency journey to pick up some fork ‘andles' anywhere on the non-essential travel list, so I load the Mutt into the car and head off. “See if they’ve got any suntan lotion as well,” shouts Mrs Sheep from under a tree.
Word spreads that hairdressers may not reopen for another six months. "What on earth are we all going to look like?" says Urban Fox on Zoom that night. "We won’t recognise each other," he adds. Oh hang on. It's my boss...
"It’s all to do with social distancing, of course," I say. A phrase I predict we’ll be heartily sick of before the summer’s out. But I do have an idea. And it requires a return journey to B&Q.
New word alert! A ‘bubble’ of friends. Whoever realised that was a collective noun? Anyway, we’re going to need to select 10 friends who we can see once the restrictions start to be lifted. “But I don’t have 10 friends,” says Lone Sheep. “No,” I say. “I can imagine that’s going to be a problem.”
I can’t sleep, and as the dawn chorus starts I look out the window and see the heron that’s started running amok in the garden. The Mutt’s been doing her best to tackle this latest wild invader, but she’s got it all on with the burgeoning squirrel population. Where’s it all going to end? It’s only a matter of time before we’re faced with a real-life Jurassic Park out there. Didn’t think of that, did you, Professor Whitty?
I grab breakfast before another essential journey into Shrewsbury. Fortunately there isn’t a limit on the number of extendable shears you can buy at B&Q. So I buy the lot and start planning my new social distancing hairdressing business: Corona Cuts.
That evening word spreads that Bozzer’s back in town, and that tomorrow he’s going to tell us we’re winning the war. Although I thought the Germans were doing rather better than us. But there you go.
Anyway, as normal service resumes at Number 10, it gets me thinking about my own top ten, especially as even Urban Fox hadn’t heard of that Dire Straits number. So I’ll sign off with the final version, remastered in a new order, and leave it at that.
This diary lark has been a blast. But I’m no Pepys after all. Or a Mole, come to think of it.
- Over The Rainbow, Judy Garland
- Every Day Is Like Sunday, Morrissey
- Don’t Stand So Close To Me, The Police
- Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Elton John
- Don’t Fear The Reaper, The Blue Oyster Cult
- I Want To Break Free, Queen
- Zoom, Fat Larry’s Band
- Who Are You, The Who
- My Old Man’s A Dustman, Lonnie Donegan
- Walking The Dog, The Rolling Stones
Stay safe. And see you on the other side.
Click for Week 4