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Lonely this Christmas?


Turn of the news. Black Sheep's cunning Christmas quiz is here to help you through another bleak midwinter instead

by Black Sheep, 13th December 2021

Turn off the news. Black Sheep's cunning Christmas quiz is here to help you through another bleak midwinter instead

With Chris Whitty coming over all Grinch-like, it's time for some light relief. So how about a quiz?

The end of the year isn't complete without a good ol' quiz, no? Nor is a No. 10 'gathering' of course. Which gives us the green light for our very own festive brainteaser. Socially distanced of course.

So, are you sitting comfortably? Two metres apart? All you have to do is complete the following:

  

1. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS…?

a) You

b) To be left alone. Humbug...

c) A negative lateral flow test

With apologies to Maria Carey and Charles Dickens, the answer is C, a negative lateral flow test, which Mark Drakeford insists we take before we so much as pull a cracker this Christmas. He told us this in rhyme, albeit without quite so much of a flourish as Bozzer tends to display when addressing the nation. You need to “flow before you go” says Drakey. Although he could of course have been referring to flushing the toilet before… well, you know.

 

2. THE THREE WISE MEN BROUGHT GIFTS OF…?

a) Gold, frankincense and myrrh

b) Hands, a face and some space

c) Toilet roll, pasta and a subscription to Netflix

Don’t believe everything you read in The Bible. Those wise guys knew what was coming. And it wasn’t the Messiah. As for "hands, face, space", that's sooo last wave, which means the answer is C. If you can get decent broadband.

 

3. DRIVING HOME FOR… ?

a) Christmas

b) An eye test

c) Ever

It's official. All those city folk who bought a house in the country during lockdown? They’re buggering off back to London. Over 130,000 homes outside the capital were snapped up by Londoners during the pandemic. But now? "We're noticing an uptick in buyers who took the leap to leave London last year, only to realise the grass isn't greener," says a London estate agency. Turns out there isn’t a Waitrose on the corner of every field after all. Who knew?

 

4. LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU MY…?

a) Heart

b) Cold

c) Invite to the No.10 Christmas party

I wasn’t there, okay. Just so’s we understand each other.

 

5. WHEN A CHILD IS…?

a) Born

b) Black, white, yellow, no one knows

c) Jabbed

Johnny Mathis! What on earth were you thinking? You can't say things like that. Consider yourself cancelled. Which means the answer can only be C, Jabbed.

 

6. CHRISTMAS TIME, MISTLETOE AND…?

a) Wine

b) A stiff brandy

c) Stop that! There’ll be no kissing this Christmas.

Oi! Lovebirds! No! You need to be socially distanced, double jabbed, boosted, basted and washed in chlorine before you can even think about a virtual kiss under the webcam.

 

7. SANTA CLAUS IS…?

a) Coming to town

b) Not real

c) In quarantine

Yes, easy one this. The big jolly man in the bright red coat thought it couldn't get any worse than last year. Wrong. “Man, have you seen the amount of countries on the red list?’ he told reporters yesterday.

 

8. THE CATTLE ARE…?

a) Distressed by unexpected item in manger area

b) Lowing

c) Furloughing

Listen, Bozzer. We’ll put up with all this Omicron stuff, so long as you pay us to do nothing again, alright? Shall we say until spring? Same bank details, please.

 

9) I WISH IT COULD BE… ?

a) Christmas every day

b) All a bad dream

c) 1973

We’ll accept B or C for this one. But I’m going with C, 1973. I mean, flares, Wizzard, Dark Side of the Moon, Morecambe and Wise, Dad’s Army, James Bond in Live and Let Die, Evil Knievel and - man alive! - Chopper bikes... What’s not to love? Even the three-day week was better than lockdown.

 

10) THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS…?

a) Past

b) Present

c) Future

Errr... All three? Please god, no.

 

That's all folks. If you got 10 out of 10, bravo. You're either the Son of God, or Neil Ferguson.

God bless ye merry gentlemen, and ladies. And have a very Happy Christmas, whatever the doomsters say.

A mutton for punishment, Black Sheep welcomes all comments. Email blacksheep@borderpublishing.com to air your points of view. You can also read Black Sheep in Welsh Border Life every issue. Download for free here. Or follow him on Twitter @onemanandhispen

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