by Black Sheep, 26th April 2022
Let’s face it: sh*t happens
It’s surely a sign of our cosseted lives here in Britain that while missiles were raining down on tens of thousands of fellow Europeans denied access to food, water or safe passage from Russian invasion, we were able to spend Easter getting worked up about poo.
As the age-old question goes, do bears sh*t in the woods? Well, yes. Of course. And so it follows that in the six to eight hours it takes to ascend and descend Mount Snowdon, a handful among the thousands who do so every weekend are going to be caught short at some stage. Especially as the summit building - with its cafe and toilets - is closed until next year.
Yet from the howling that followed the Easter weekend on Yr Wyddfa you’d have thought some sort of war crime had been committed, not somebody dropping their trousers.
According to a local guide, the mountain paths were “covered in human stools” over the holiday weekend - and not of the three-legged variety. (Covered? Really?) Consequently she was “totally disgusted”.
“There was a lot of stool in paper cups, under stones, and as we were descending it was on the path,” she added.
But worse was to follow. “I caught a guy going to the toilet on the railway line," she went on. “He quickly pulled up his pants and tried to make a quick getaway. But I’d already seen it.”
As an aside, on reading this I couldn’t help but be reminded of the 1970s song The Streak, with its immortal lyrics:
I hollered, "Don't look, Ethel!"
But it was too late.
She'd already been mooned.
Anyway, I must admit, on digesting this part of her account of the apoocalypse, I did wonder somewhat about the bloke’s intruiging choice of location. But then I fell in, so to speak. Coz like, where does all the poo go when you’re on a train and you flush the toilet?
Naturally, as the sh*t storm hit the news headlines, we were only hours away from a health and safety alert. And sure enough, the story quickly prompted Snowdonia National Park Authority to urge people to use the toilets at the bottom of the mountain before their hike. Forgetting that some visitors were actually over the age of five.
That was swiftly followed by Mountain Rescue declaring human faeces a “danger to health”. Well, yeah. And so is badger crap if you pick it up and eat it.
But for me, the most shocking aspect of this story wasn’t the defecation or the indignation or the flash of arse. It was the open goal missed by the PR people working on behalf of Brecon Beacons Holiday Cottages.
You see, as the story was breaking, they were busy compiling a list of the top ten best national parks in the UK. And which park came out on top? Well that’ll be Snowdonia.
But can you imagine the headlines and publicity if they’d tweaked the data slightly, and Snowdonia had been Number Two?
A mutton for punishment, Black Sheep welcomes all comments. Email firstname.lastname@example.org to air your points of view. You can also read Black Sheep in Welsh Border Life every issue. Download for free here. Or follow him on Twitter @onemanandhispen